Being a Sexologist has its perks. You are equipped with tons of information about the body, intimacy, arousal, sexual communication, love, and more. Every body is different, but here are the four things I recommend that work for me, and have helped me set the groundwork for healthy, fun, and very fulfilling sexual experiences.
Make myself feel good
You cannot pour love, energy, or good sex into a relationship if your tank is empty. I can admit that my life is pretty hectic most of the time… I’m a mom of two, a business owner, wife, and have a million projects going on. However, my husband and I know that in order for us to love on each other, we need to love on ourselves first. I keep my favorite intimacy products in the shower and on my nightstand to motivate me to have personal, feel-good moments. When you feel good about your own sex life, you can bring that abundance to the bedroom with a partner. Trust me, abundant sex vs ‘it’s your job to satisfy me’ sex are very different. So love on yourself, always and first.
Keep things new
Novelty keeps relationships exciting and passionate. New experiences activate the brain’s reward system to release feel-good hormones like dopamine and norepinephrine. You know that flushed, hot feeling that also makes you a little wet? That is you kicking your arousal process into gear –thank your hormones for that. You need this to happen over and over throughout a relationship in order to ‘keep the spark alive’.
My husband and I set aside dedicated date nights about once a week. Blocking off time at that frequency feels good and realistic for us. Some examples of our dates are: mini road trips with a good playlist or audiobook, finding new trails to go on long walks, testing a new intimacy product in the bedroom or shower, and sometimes we just want to get to it and pick random places to have sex. Sparks create attraction, which create desire, which often leads to great sex.
Know my sex drive cycle
Just like our menstrual cycle, we also have sex cycles that go along with it. Right before we ovulate, our sex drive is at its peak (thank you estrogen and testosterone). If you count day 1 as the first day you start menstruating, your sex drive peak is about 2 weeks after that day. Track your cycle for at least 2 months and journal how you feel throughout the month to pinpoint when your sex drive is the highest and lowest. Share this information with your partner and try to schedule some alone time or partner date night around those peaks. Before COVID-19, we planned our vacations according to my cycle. I can’t wait to travel again!
Update my sex menu regularly
Think of your sex menu as a (very) long list of things you enjoy or want to try. If you need help getting started, use Bloomi’s Yes, No, Maybe List for inspiration and A Sex Journal for better sexual communication. As we age, with every new relationship, and with major life changes, our sexual interests will change and impact the items we want on our sex menu. There were periods of my life when I focused on exploring this list with just myself, other periods where I invited a partner, and even times when I didn’t want to have sex on the menu at all.
Today, I’m overwhelmed with love every time my husband and I have intimate moments. He knows my sex menu soooooo well. We both know each others’ well. We both add things to it regularly and look forward to changing our sex menus as we grow old together.
To sum up, take care of making yourself feel good first, have fun with new things, understand your cycle and communicate new likes/dislikes often.
For more sexologist tips and mom-life balancing insights, follow me at @rebeccaalvarezstory.